Stuck at the last page…

or in other words, resistance to turning the page.

I was just talking with my mom yesterday, commenting specifically on issues related to divorce.

It is clear that not everyone deals with divorce the same way. Obviously. Causes differ from one case to another, emotions are as colorful as the rainbow and will move on the spectrum as weeks, months and years fly by. The presence of individuals other than the spouses, such as children or in-laws will affect the path and of course, time plays an important role; between the issues, the separation and closure, so many things can happen. Each event is unique. Each person’s reaction to events is also unique.

The main discussion with my mother turned around my personal experience. I remembered how and when things started changing for the better in my case. The relationship had gone sour and there was (and still is) no hope for it. I just needed to come out of the situation with my dignity and sanity. And I did.

I turned the page.

The divorce procedures went from June 2004 to December 2007; three and a half years and close to $25,000 on my side alone! We had signed a mediation agreement that was later denied and after countless back and forths for stupidities, the judge ruled in favor of all the items enumerated in the original agreement.

Money of course was a big issue. Custody of the children was another, although that also seemed to be linked to money.

It was a struggle. It was a mess. I was a mess. Trying to take care of two young children while working outside the home and going through the turmoil of divorce is truly a challenge. To make a long story short, things did change for the better one day. That day was the day I decided to turn the page.

I said the hell with the money he would owe me, let him deal with his conscience. I need to turn the page and make sure I can take care of myself and my family without his help. I need to go beyond the fighting and show strength. I will not beg for him to understand that I need his support to take care of the children. I will not give him the power to think I am weak. Yes it is difficult to manage on your own, but it is much more difficult to try to manage on your own while fighting for fair help.

I didn’t give up on the items that were important to me, such as full custody. Yet I let him have the petty things he seemed to focus more on. You want furniture, take the furniture! I became stronger. I wasted less energy on stupidities. I focused on standing back up on my feet.

Looking back, I had been stuck on the last page, that which described the ideal family and marriage, together and collaborative. I was disappointed, frustrated, angry and sad. Why was I being denied the opportunity to have a good relationship? Yet it was done, finished. I had to turn that page. It was useless to keep reliving these toxic and draining emotions. I was not going to get his help to take care of the children. I was now on my own. I was about to embark in a new phase of my life and the rules needed to change.

The day I turned the page, the dynamics shifted. The divorce proceedings continued with another woman on the stand. A stronger more confident woman, determined to follow her Path, leaving the past behind, focusing on a better future.

Turning that page changed my life. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Related posts:

  1. Obliged to turn the page, but will always remember.
  2. I Love ME; Attention to all
  3. How I have been using Baby Steps…
  4. Caution: Divorce may cause incurable unhappiness. Or not.
  5. I Love ME; I set me free.

2 Responses to “Stuck at the last page…”

  1. Sa Nad says:

    Good for you !! You go, girl !! You scaled that brick wall and leapt over it – well done !! You let go and allowed yourself to sustain your dignity as a human being.
    We cannot allow another person to control us or blackmail us emotionally, financially or any other way. Besides, money is not everything and it cannot buy happiness or sanity. Sure, it is necessary for the lifestyle we live today in the modern world, but to be independent — ah, that is freedom. I truly believe that as one door closes, another one opens.
    It is always sad when divorce happens, yet it doesn’t have to rule us or warp us. Divorce can be compared to the grieving process, for all the emotional seesaws are very much the same. Yet, as we move through these processes, we can come out of the turmoil of our emotions into the sunshine, blink at the bright light until our eyes adjust, and move on with light feet and a lighter heart that is much wiser through the experience.

    • Carmen Marie says:

      Thank you Sa. Indeed, divorce is never a good thing, not something you wish for, yet sometimes, circumstances make it such that it is needed both for your sanity and for the sake of the children who would otherwise suffer in a bad home environment.
      Taking that leap, making the decision to go on my own gives my children a lesson in courage and strength. As in any other decision to turn the page, following the grieving as you mentioned, come the time to make that decision to move forward. We have our journey to continue!

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